My Existential Crisis

Updated: Oct 12, 2019

I'd like to start my first late night thoughts blog off with the idea of purpose. I never truly reflected on purpose until the beginning of my sophomore year in college. My purpose in middle school was to get into the private high school that the majority of my friends were going to. I did that. My purpose in high school was to fill my college application with good grades and numerous extracurricular activities so that I could get into a good school. I did that. I got into Villanova. A good academic reputation and a solid basketball program. My first semester turned out great. I was enjoying the newness of college and living life to the fullest. The second semester came around and my anxiety came creeping back up on me. By the end of the second semester, all I could think about was going home and getting away from school. I went home and traveled over the summer and things seemed to be going well. However, when it was time to start school...things changed. Don't get me wrong, I was pretty excited to start the new school year and get things kicked off. But then my anxiety really got to me. I was crying daily. Calling home whenever I could. Eating so fast just to get back to my room in my safe space so I could eventually get to bed and live through my anxiety once again the next day. The fourth week of school hit...I could no longer bear the burden alone. I could not take one more day feeling so alone and isolated and bogged down by worry. I decided to take a leave of absence from school. It was very frightening but it was definitely for the best (at least I think). What I have come to realize as I am starting my own website, blog, twitch channel and going to therapy is that my purpose the whole first half of my life was to get to Villanova. Not Villanova exactly but to get to a good school (Villanova is where I happened to end up). Once my anxiety hit me and I started to wonder why I was at Villanova and why I was taking certain classes I started to more fully engage with the idea of purpose. I never truly engaged with the idea of purpose until I got to Villanova because I never really needed to. My point in this blog is that you cannot have a purpose that is an end goal. Your purpose has to align with your passion. Your purpose has to be able to drive you forward constantly. Life is a journey and your purpose will aid you in enjoying the journey. Without purpose, what is the point? I would not have started this website and blog if I did not feel a sense of purpose in it. Capturing beautiful things through photography and sharing my thoughts in my blog give me a sense of purpose. They are helping me to be able to live with my anxiety. They are helping me change my perspective. Find your passion, find your purpose.

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